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All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
whoopdedo.wav(28K) whoopdedo.mp3(28K) whoopdedo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael Newman (Adam Sandler): "Well, whoop-de-do for the O'Doyles."
10to30years.wav(149K) 10to30years.mp3(149K) 10to30years.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ben Newman (Joseph Castanon): "Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck."
Michael: "Oh, no, that's not wrestling. That's something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years. Ten for you. Thirty for you."
kindofstereo.wav(205K) kindofstereo.mp3(205K) kindofstereo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kevin O'Doyle (Cameron Monaghan): "What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of bleep?"
Michael: "You know what? I never checked, Kevin."
Kevin: "Yeah, well, my father's stereo is a Bose."
Michael: "Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad."
Kevin: "No! I said-- That's not what I said!"
Michael: "His father's stereo blows! Wee!"
donthavetoask.wav(48K) donthavetoask.mp3(48K) donthavetoask.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Alice (Rachel Dratch): "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Michael: "Go to the bathroom. I told you, you don't have to ask me."
hubbabubba.wav(103K) hubbabubba.mp3(103K) hubbabubba.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "I meant to disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida."
Mr. Ammer (David Hasselhoff): "Hubba Bubba."
Prince Habeeboo (Rob Schneider): "Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo is not chewing gum!"
kickyours.wav(41K) kickyours.mp3(41K) kickyours.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "I kicked your father's ass in highschool and now I'm gonna kick yours."
remotecontrols.wav(146K) remotecontrols.mp3(146K) remotecontrols.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Hey, man? You guys got any universal remote controls in there?"
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy (Nick Swardson): "For a shower curtain or a bath mat?"
Michael: "For a television."
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "Hmm, I don't think so. Maybe for a blanket?"
Michael: "You got a remote for a blanket?"
bemyfriend.wav(77K) bemyfriend.mp3(77K) bemyfriend.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "I'm sorry, dude. I don't even work here. I'm just waiting for my friends."
Michael: "You're kidding me."
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?"
walkensings.wav(240K) walkensings.mp3(240K) walkensings.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty (Christopher Walken): "(Singing as Michael enters Beyond)"
somethingstinks.wav(37K) somethingstinks.mp3(37K) somethingstinks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty: "Something stinks like stale french fries."
biteithard.wav(192K) biteithard.mp3(192K) biteithard.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty: "It is sweet. The latest greatest universal remote not even on the market yet."
Michael: "Ooh, I giess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced-technological ass then."
Morty: "I don't know the O'Doyles but they can bite it hard."
howmuch.wav(224K) howmuch.mp3(224K) howmuch.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "How much is this thing, 'cause, uh, I ain't exactly Thurston Howell, you know?"
Morty: "Lucky for you, it's not in the bar-code system yet. So I'm gonna have to just give it to you."
Michael: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the catch hre, man? Want me to take my shirt off for you? Because I don't play for that team."
Morty: "Hey, man, get out of here."
dontneedit.wav(73K) dontneedit.mp3(73K) dontneedit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Twinkie. You don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Okay, good job."
whizkid.wav(45K) whizkid.mp3(45K) whizkid.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Wow, look at me, turning my own TV on. I'm a freaking whiz kid."
yougetacid.wav(69K) yougetacid.mp3(69K) yougetacid.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels you get acid."
enoughjuice.wav(75K) enoughjuice.mp3(75K) enoughjuice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody."
morethanyourcar.wav(90K) morethanyourcar.mp3(90K) morethanyourcar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Yeah, very nice."
Kevin: "'Very nice'? This thin is worth more than your car."
Michael: "(He runs it over) Not anymore it ain't."
justhitmenu.wav(74K) justhitmenu.mp3(74K) justhitmenu.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty: "Just hit menu."
Michael: "On the remote?"
Morty: "No, the menu at the Red Lobster. Yes, on the remote."
coughsyrup.wav(30K) coughsyrup.mp3(30K) coughsyrup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Cough syrup's kickin' in again."
golittlemego.wav(21K) golittlemego.mp3(21K) golittlemego.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Go, little me, go!"
gotothebathroom.wav(78K) gotothebathroom.mp3(78K) gotothebathroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Alice: "Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt but, um, this is kind of important."
Michael: "Okay. (She gives him a note) Go to the bathroom!"
tictac.wav(59K) tictac.mp3(59K) tictac.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ted Newman (Henry Winkler): "It looked like a little Tic Tac."
Michael: "Yeah, come here, I'll freshen your breath."
smokecrack.wav(119K) smokecrack.mp3(119K) smokecrack.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. I l--"
Samantha Newman (Tatum McCann): "Did you smoke crack, Daddy?"
remembertheleprechaun.wav(286K) remembertheleprechaun.mp3(286K) remembertheleprechaun.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty: "Remember the leprechaun?"
Morty: "The one from the cereal ad."
Michael: "'They're magically delicious.' That guy?"
Morty: "Yeah. He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But when he gets there at the end of the day... it's just corn flakes."
hitthebutton.wav(108K) hitthebutton.mp3(108K) hitthebutton.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "No. No! It's not my fault. It jumped on it's own. I didn't even hit the button."
Donna Newman (Kate Beckinsale): "Uh, not even close."
thereisaproblem.wav(74K) thereisaproblem.mp3(74K) thereisaproblem.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
MIchael: "Just know there is a problem. I tried to get rid of the problem, it almost ended up in my ass. So I'm gonna go to work and just try to figure this all out."
cantargue.wav(211K) cantargue.mp3(211K) cantargue.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Oh, shh. Honey, we can't argue, okay? No more arguing. You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. How's that? You want a kiss?"
Donna: "I'll take a kiss."
Michael: "You know what? I can't give you a kiss because if I give you a kiss it might leade to something else, then... zip... another three minutes goes by. You're laying there disappointed, and I'm laying there like an idiot smiling. So I wanna be with you every minute of my life, and that's why I gotta leave right now. Have a great day."
jamesearljones.wav(101K) jamesearljones.mp3(101K) jamesearljones.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
James Earl Jones (Himself): "Once again, Michael left Donna in bed confued and unsatisfied."
Michael: "Shut up, James Earl Jones!"
James Earl Jones: "No, you shut up, big mouth!"
suinghimself.wav(60K) suinghimself.mp3(60K) suinghimself.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Radio Announcer: "Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself."
captaintwinkie.wav(116K) captaintwinkie.mp3(116K) captaintwinkie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Ben? That you? Look how big you got. You're enormous."
Ben Age 17 (Jonah Hill): "Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat-Ass!"
getboobs.wav(60K) getboobs.mp3(60K) getboobs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "That's you? Samantha? When did you get boobs?"
Samantha Age 15 (Lorraine Nicholson): "The same time that you did, Dad."
burnhishousedown.wav(82K) burnhishousedown.mp3(82K) burnhishousedown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell's this Derek guy?"
Samantha Age 15: "Duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school, hello?"
Michael: "Oh, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down."
johnnygstring.wav(31K) johnnygstring.mp3(31K) johnnygstring.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "You cheating on me... with Johnny G-String over here?"
litetotheremote.wav(104K) litetotheremote.mp3(104K) litetotheremote.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Morty: "Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won."
Michael: "No, not true."
Morty: "Lie to your wife. Lie to yourself. But you can not lie to the remote. The remote is lie-proof."
itsmyflap.wav(68K) itsmyflap.mp3(68K) itsmyflap.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Donna: "Would you stop flapping that thing?!"
Michael: "It's my flap, I'll do whatever the hell I want with it!"
hesdown.wav(97K) hesdown.mp3(97K) hesdown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ted: "You have to eat sometime. We could go, we could whistle at pretty girls."
Ben Age 22-30 (Jake Hoffman): "I'm down for that."
Ted: "See? He's down. I don't know what it means, but he's down."
watchingyousleep.wav(140K) watchingyousleep.mp3(140K) watchingyousleep.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Where am I?"
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir. I was just watching you sleep. You looked like you were having a crazy dream."
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "You're not supposed to lay in the beds, but I do sometimes."
backnine.wav(120K) backnine.mp3(120K) backnine.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "I'm young again. I'm young again."
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "Well, I mean, you're not 'young' young. I'm young. You're kind of on the back nine."
Michael: "No, no, no. I'm just teeing off, baby."
mycrappycar.wav(94K) mycrappycar.mp3(94K) mycrappycar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Yes, my crappy car! You mediocre, middle-class piece of bleep!"
stayoffthebongpipe.wav(74K) stayoffthebongpipe.mp3(74K) stayoffthebongpipe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Ma, thank you so much for giving birth to me, I know it hurt. Okay?"
Trudy Newman (Julie Kavner): "You have no idea. But, honey, please, stay off the bong pipe."
gotosleep.wav(124K) gotosleep.mp3(124K) gotosleep.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ted: "Okay, I'm- I'm up. What do you think?"
Trudy: "Ugh. If you massage me first."
Ted: "Okay, let's go to sleep."
gottahavebrains.wav(120K) gottahavebrains.mp3(120K) gottahavebrains.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "One day, you are gonna be the hottest chick alive. But you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow I'm gonna teach you calculus."
Samantha: "You know calculus?"
Michael: "I knew you'd call me on that. Alright, your mother will teach you."
sweater.wav(34K) sweater.mp3(34K) sweater.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Put a sweater on! Don't ever take it off!"
Samantha: "Okay, Daddy."
pillowfight.wav(33K) pillowfight.mp3(33K) pillowfight.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michael: "Hey, who wants to have a pillow fight?"
Samantha and Ben: "Yey!"