National Lampoons Van Wilder price at: amazon
All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
jumper.wav(31K) jumper.mp3(31K) jumper.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Campus Cop (Curtis Armstrong): "We've got a jumper!"
timmy.wav(369K) timmy.mp3(369K) timmy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds): "First year can be kind of scary can't it, Timmy?"
Suicidal Freshman (Chris Owen): "My names not..."
Van: "But you know what I've learned here in my seven years here at Coolidge, Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life and death matter, because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down."
Suicidal Freshman: "I don't have a pen."
Van: "Well, remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, bit I believe in you."
credo.wav(59K) credo.mp3(59K) credo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Remember my credo, Timmy. Stay in school."
tihsplace.wav(25K) tihsplace.mp3(25K) tihsplace.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "God, I love this place."
cheerleader.wav(126K) cheerleader.mp3(126K) cheerleader.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Freshman Interviewee 1 (Brent Goldberg): "I was the first ever male cheerleader at Huntington High. The first ever! Give me a V. Give me an A. Give me an N. What does it spell?"
cookies.wav(28K) cookies.mp3(28K) cookies.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "I'm just going to do a little word association."
Overweight Freshmas (Jeremy Phillups): "Cookies!"
uncomfortable.wav(37K) uncomfortable.mp3(37K) uncomfortable.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Seriously though, I swear to god, I'm really uncomfortable now. It's time you should go."
whatiswrong.wav(114K) whatiswrong.mp3(114K) whatiswrong.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Not one acceptable candidate. What is wrong with the youth of today?"
Hutch (Teck Holmes): "(He takes a bong hit.) The internet dude. It frys their brain cells man."
taj.wav(158K) taj.mp3(158K) taj.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "What's your name?"
Taj Mahal Badalandabad (Kal Penn): "I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad."
Van: "Where... Where you from, Taj?"
Taj: "I am an exchange student from Banglapuc, India."
Van: "Welcome. What can we do for you?"
wordassociation.wav(151K) wordassociation.mp3(151K) wordassociation.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Okay, we're just going to do a little word assoiation here. Say the first thing that comes to mind. Milk."
Taj: "Tit! Oh, Mommy. Most indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant Jugs."
icannot.wav(348K) icannot.mp3(348K) icannot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "I connot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand. You know, I wanted to (how is it?) park the porpoise, you know. I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that bleep, yeah. And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder."
youllneed.wav(111K) youllneed.mp3(111K) youllneed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "You'll need a copy of my class schedual so you can take notes. You'll also handle my finances. I lecture at the freshman crisis group every other Monday. I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team Speedo Sectacular and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash to Battle Bulimia this semester."
sickboy.wav(105K) sickboy.mp3(105K) sickboy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't come down with some sort of ailment. Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault. Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin."
Sick Boy (Jason Hopkins): "Thanks, Van."
Van: "Don't pick at it. Moving on."
tuition.wav(96K) tuition.mp3(96K) tuition.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Business Manager (Mark Chaet): "And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester."
Vance Winder Sr. (Tim Matheson): "Tuition, Van is still in school?"
Business Manager: "For the better part of a decade."
gladimdeaf.wav(61K) gladimdeaf.mp3(61K) gladimdeaf.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Coach Ken Massey (Michael Waltman): "This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf. I can't hear the boos."
peptalk.wav(200K) peptalk.mp3(200K) peptalk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Tis ball club is the heart of this institution. You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks. You're not boxing out Big Papa. You're my Windex man. I want you shining glass. Quintin, I want you to D-up out there. Darius, I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake. What are you looking at? Your mom called. She said you left your legs at home."
howbad.wav(254K) howbad.mp3(254K) howbad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard Bagg (Daniel Cosgrove): "How bad do you want to be a Delta? Would you walk on broken glass? Let the shards tear into your Achilles tendon causing acute achondroplasia, which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older?"
Gordon: "Just ease up on the medical terms. Alright? Just keep it simple and terrifying."
Richard: "Gordon, there are very few things more terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism. Okay?"
excuseme.wav(116K) excuseme.mp3(116K) excuseme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Vance Wilder Sr.: "Excuse me, where can I find Van Wilder?"
Wasted Guy: "In the Guiness Book of World ficking Records, man, under the Raddest bleeping dude alive!"
Vance Wilder Sr.: "Okay, thanks."
sweetjoseph.wav(31K) sweetjoseph.mp3(31K) sweetjoseph.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Vance Wilder Sr.: "Sweet Joseph, my son is a fairy."
seduceme.wav(204K) seduceme.mp3(204K) seduceme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ms. Doris Haver: "Mr. wilder, are you trying to seduce me?"
Van: "Who, me? No! Hey, hey. You know, ma ma maybe this isn't such a good idea."
Ms. Haver: "Being bad seldom is."
somesugar.wav(164K) somesugar.mp3(164K) somesugar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ms. Haver: "Oh yeah, that's the bleep."
Van: "Hey, guess what? I'm feeling a little cold sore come on. Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks."
Ms. Haver: "Shut up bitch, and give me some sugar."
whenipee.wav(298K) whenipee.mp3(298K) whenipee.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Worried Freshman (Ryan Carlberg): "It's like this itchy, rashy, burning sensation. And it hurts when I..."
Worried Freshman: "No, when I pee!"
Van: "You hooked up with a burner. Didn't you?"
Worried Freshman: "yeah."
Van: "She seamed like a nice girl, said it was her first time. Yeah, you should always check the quality of the turf before you step out onto the field. Liston, go to the campus hoppital. See stu. Tell him Van sent you. And remember, Don't be a fool, wrap your tool."
Worried Freshman: "Thanks Van, thanks a lot."
Van: "Dont't thank me. Thank penicillin."
crazykids.wav(36K) crazykids.mp3(36K) crazykids.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Crazy kids with their crazy VD."
yourpiece.wav(166K) yourpiece.mp3(166K) yourpiece.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen Pearson (Tara Reid): "I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer for the Liberator."
Van: "Oh. Okay look, that old bag is stronger than she looks. Alright?"
Gwen: "I'm doing a human interest piece on you."
Van: "Well I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me."
interviews.wav(380K) interviews.mp3(380K) interviews.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "But sadly, I don't do interviews. I never have. I never will. I do lunch though."
Gwen: "My editor did say this would be a challenge."
: "Van, second date with Emily..."
: "Red, blue?"
Van: "Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. Has anyone ever told you that before?"
Gwen: "Yes, my boyfriend."
Gwen: "Is it true that this is your seventh year at Coolidge?"
Van: "Carry the two... Yes, that's correct. So, uh, what's your boyfriend's name? Does he go to school here? Does he appreciate you?"
Gwen: "That's none of your business."
Van: "You know what? You're right."
Gwen: "His name's Richard. He's premed."
Taj: "Van, you have a 1:30 with the swimteam."
Van: "On it."
Gwen: "You have an assistant?"
Van: "Yes, I do."
milerun.wav(136K) milerun.mp3(136K) milerun.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Alright, hey Gwen, alright. You're just in time. Take your clothes off."
Gwen: "I'm not taking off my clothes."
Van: "Uh, well, it is the naked mile run. Everybody else in in their birthday suits, except that guy."
titanic.wav(83K) titanic.mp3(83K) titanic.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy? Oh god, those things could raise the Titanic."
worrying.wav(137K) worrying.mp3(137K) worrying.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "We are truely up the Ganges River without a bomboo oar. We're still $1,200 short of your next tuition payment."
Van: "Taj, I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Write that down."
gotaplan.wav(162K) gotaplan.mp3(162K) gotaplan.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Hutch: "Don't even swet it Taj. I thing I've got a plan. Let's go get bleeped up."
Van: "Sounds good."
Taj: "Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit, I applied for this job because I wanted to shake loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma wil be solved by partying."
canihelpu.wav(13K) canihelpu.mp3(13K) canihelpu.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Can I help you son?"
gpa.wav(56K) gpa.mp3(56K) gpa.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Panos Patakos (Jason Winer): "Believe it or not, best GPA doesn't get you laid."
Van: "It damn well should."
Panos Patakos: "Amen."
bamboooar.wav(69K) bamboooar.mp3(69K) bamboooar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Gosh Panos, I'd really love to help you out, but I have a bamboo oar stuck up my Ganges. It's very scary stuff. And I just don't have the time."
timeworth.wav(38K) timeworth.mp3(38K) timeworth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Panos Patakos: "How much is your time worth?"
mspacman.wav(97K) mspacman.mp3(97K) mspacman.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Guys. I know Ms. Pac Man's special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. But we got to talk guys."
huddleup.wav(387K) huddleup.mp3(387K) huddleup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Huddle up. Come on. Team meating. Cowboy. Alright. I look at you guys, and you know what I see?"
: "A collective GPA of 52,000?"
>Van: "Yeah! No! I see a bunch of party animals crouched in attack position, ready to strike. Am I right?"
Panos Patakos: "Noone even knows we're here."
>Van: "Au contraire, mon freres. Girls! Hi. I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal medulla oblongatas."
pimping.wav(32K) pimping.mp3(32K) pimping.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "This is really a pimping good time."
Van: "Yes it is."
naomi.wav(86K) naomi.mp3(86K) naomi.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Oh oh oh oh oh oh, look who's checking out the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. That's I moan backwards."
rectum.wav(33K) rectum.mp3(33K) rectum.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jeannie (Emily Rutherfurd): "This party so rocks Richard."
Richard: "This party sucks rectum Jeannie."
goingon.wav(72K) goingon.mp3(72K) goingon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Whoa! Trick or treat? What's going on?"
Richard: "This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party."
gluteous.wav(52K) gluteous.mp3(52K) gluteous.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "You two know each other?"
Richard: "That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti."
Van: "You must be premed Dick."
Richard: "Yeah, that's right."
justwondering.wav(45K) justwondering.mp3(45K) justwondering.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen: "Hi, I was just wondering..."
Gwen: "...if you could slam the door in my face?"
thisiswhy.wav(117K) thisiswhy.mp3(117K) thisiswhy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "This is why I don't do interviews. You totally slammed me. You journalists and your irresponsible reporting. "
Gwen: "I recorded quotes that you got money from the Lambdas to throw them a party."
Van: "Recorded? Mhat are you, bugged? Do I need to frisk you?"
rectalitch.wav(306K) rectalitch.mp3(306K) rectalitch.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "He's nothing more than a mild rectal itch. And you know what you do about a mild rectal itch gordo?"
Gordon: "What's that Richand?"
Richard: "You scrath it. And then you scratch it some more. The more you scratch at it, the worse it gets. Until finally, you have nothing left but a raw, chafed, possibly infected anal cavity. And, then it's won. When all you had to do from the start was take a medicated pad and smother it."
thedealis.wav(109K) thedealis.mp3(109K) thedealis.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen: "So, the deal is, I score, you cooperate and answer all my questions. I miss..."
Van: "Dinner for two. Me and you. (The puck drops.) Clothing optional."
seriously.wav(62K) seriously.mp3(62K) seriously.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "You know, I used to party with this guy that told me "Van, don't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.""
babble.wav(60K) babble.mp3(60K) babble.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "He used to write for the school paper. He kept babbling about the difference between light and dark beer."
future.wav(283K) future.mp3(283K) future.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "You think about the future too much, you kinda forget about the present, obviously. And I am really enjoying the present right now. Sharinyg a penalty box and a tri-late with Gwen Pearson, who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."
Gwen: "You actually read that article?"
Van: "Okay, look, I read the damn article, but don't tell anyone, because if word gets out that I can read, my reputation, shot to hell."
itsnobong.wav(208K) itsnobong.mp3(208K) itsnobong.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "Where did you find that?"
Hutch: "In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but this damn thing won't light."
Taj: "It's no bong. It's for my shlong."
Hutch: "Hold on, you mean I put my mouth on your cock pump?"
myagame.wav(329K) myagame.mp3(329K) myagame.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night, and I just wanted to bring my a game."
Van: "Taj, come on, look, that's what I'm here for. Alright? Now, follow my fool proof plan, and I'm going to help you put the bang in Banglapur. All you need are the three fundamentals: Scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Hey, no cock pump."
Taj: "No cock pump. Barry white."
career.wav(48K) career.mp3(48K) career.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen's Dad (Tom Howard): "Well, surely, you have a career in mind."
Van: "No, not really."
dik.wav(154K) dik.mp3(154K) dik.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen's Mom (Darcy Shean): "Are you and Richard in the same fraternity?"
Richard: "Oh, no no no no. Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa material."
Van: "Richard, you rascal. You never told me that you were a DIK. Not that you had to."
wow.wav(40K) wow.mp3(40K) wow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Wow! If he's here, who's running hell?"
letsdance.wav(99K) letsdance.mp3(99K) letsdance.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Professor Ted McDoogle (Paul Gleason): "Alright Wilder, let's dance."
Van: "It's a good day to die McDoogle. Oh yeah."
stalking.wav(29K) stalking.mp3(29K) stalking.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Are you stalking me? Because that would be super."
judges.wav(69K) judges.mp3(69K) judges.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Was that a... Judges ruling. Uh huh, yeah. I do believe that was a joke."
whatthe.wav(14K) whatthe.mp3(14K) whatthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "What the bleep, Jeannie?"
suchabad.wav(61K) suchabad.mp3(61K) suchabad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "I long to rub you the right way."
Naomi (Ivana Bozilovic): "You're such a bad little Badalandabad."
leading.wav(144K) leading.mp3(144K) leading.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gwen: "How often deos your heart lead you into the women's locker room?"
Van: "This would be a first."
Gwen: "Why do I find that hard to believe?"
Van: "I'm not saying that I've never been in here before. I'm just saying that it's another part of my anatamy that does the leading"
underage.wav(345K) underage.mp3(345K) underage.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Party Busting Cop (Andrew Bilgore): "Gentlemen."
Party Busting Cop: "We got an annonymous tip that there's some underage drinking going on here."
Hutch: "Hell no man. I've been at the door all night."
Party Busting Cop: "Good enough for me. Have fun guys."
Van: "Alright Trapper. Stay cool."
Little Kid: "I love you man."
Another Little Kid: "No man, I love you."
Van: "Those circus midgits cannot hold their booze!"
sowereclear.wav(385K) sowereclear.mp3(385K) sowereclear.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "I need you to help me release some pressure. You know, help me relax. Just so we're clear Gwen, I'm talking about intercourse. Look, I know you had a fling with Wilder. And it's okay. You just had to get it out of your system. I just hope you used some protection. And I wouldn't want our future children to be tainted, because Mommy went slumming one night back in college."
Gwen: "Why don't you go Release your own pressure? Oh, and uh, just so we're clear, I'm telling you to go bleep yourself!"
pleasureyou.wav(198K) pleasureyou.mp3(198K) pleasureyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jeannie: "Oh my god! We make such the fab team! Last night, I was so like Bonnie, and you were so like Clyde. And now this."
Richard: "Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you."
Jeannie: "Sorry, Richard. Plesure away. PS, this is an awesome room."
Richard: "PS, shut the bleep up!"
sugarcoat.wav(200K) sugarcoat.mp3(200K) sugarcoat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Taj: "bleep you, Van Wilder! You heard me. I say, I say, say bleep you, you you you you you you you you pussy Ass Motherbleeper! You you you Dick Sucker!"
Van: "Don't sugar coat it, Taj. Tell me how you really feel."
itson.wav(82K) itson.mp3(82K) itson.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Law Club President: "It's ridiculous! It's preposterous! It's ludicrous! By god, it's impetuous!"
Hutch: "So, does that mean you'll do it?"
Law Club President: "Oh, it's on."
decorated.wav(108K) decorated.mp3(108K) decorated.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Professor McDoogle: "Wilder."
Professor McDoogle: "This iso some pad you got here. Decorated in early bleep."
friction.wav(158K) friction.mp3(158K) friction.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Professor McDoogle: "I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential."
Van: "That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was cause cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year."
Professor McDoogle: "Why, what... You foled around with my daughter?"
raddest.wav(81K) raddest.mp3(81K) raddest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Vance Wilder Sr.: "Excuse me. Could you tell me where I might find the raddest bleeping dude alive?"
Stoner Guy: "Yeah, by the pool, Gramps."
iknowyou.wav(36K) iknowyou.mp3(36K) iknowyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Stoner Guy: "Hey, I know you man. Oh, bleep."
buttload.wav(56K) buttload.mp3(56K) buttload.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "Thank you. And I'm sorry that I spent such a buttload of your money for so long."
panties.wav(106K) panties.mp3(106K) panties.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Van: "I was scared that you wouldn't come."
Gwen: "Well, I was trying to decide what panties I should wear."
Van: "Which ones did you choose?"